I am a rebel. Non-conformity is my middle name. So perhaps it is not surprising that four separate sources sent me the UBS corporate wear dress guide for women and men. This 50-page document is targeted at employees in the Swiss retail branches such as reception staff, “event attendants, security staff and all personnel working in Limousine Service”. Note to Ossie Grübel: why haven’t you sacked all your limousine staff? We are living in an age of the new frugal, and last time I looked UBS wasn’t paying a dividend to its shareholders. Anyway, these guidelines proved to be the comedy highlight of a dreary December. And I must reprimand a humourless reader who sent me the document with the haughty message: “I cannot understand why UBS is still wasting money on such rubbish.”
The author of the guidelines assumes an audience with the intelligence quotient of a hamster. A nugget on neckwear states: “You must always undo the knots after wearing neckerchief so that the material can recover its shape. If necessary, you can lightly press it (no 1 on your iron).” Another extract insists: “Never wear shoes that are too small for your feet – there is nothing worse than a painful smile.”